After about 6 months off Instagram I am back. I wanted to write this post for a few reasons.. mainly in case if anyone else is experiencing what has been going on with me then this hopefully can help them and also so you guys know , friends and family why I disappeared for a while and lost contact with all of you.
So most of you know I am pregnant. Currently in my 7th month. It’s been a really full on year in general with lots of changes but I’ve been dealing with Hyperemesis Gravidarum which has been really exhausting physically and mentally. That’s the main reason I needed time off social media ; to focus on my health and focus on getting through each day.
I am of course, grateful to be pregnant. We planned this pregnancy and after two miscarriages I wanted this baby sooo bad. I know many women struggle falling and carrying a baby and more then anything I know it is a blessing but not every pregnant woman enjoys their pregnancy.
Pre-children I heard after Kim Kardashians pregnancy she said ‘it was the worst experience of her life’ and I was honestly shocked ANYONE could even think that but after having one really bad and one horrendous pregnancy I don’t think there is any shame in being honest about how pregnancy can make you feel as long as your grateful for the child. Not every woman feels like all these Instagram models who love their belly’s or feel so sexy and snap back after two days of giving birth. Most feel the opposite. And it’s unrealistic to compare yourself as every body is different.
I needed time to work on my health because I was literally losing kilograms by the day. Not many people know what the condition is as it affects only 3% of pregnant women. This is my second time with it but this time around has been so much worse. You hear of women with morning sickness usually lasting till 12 weeks but Hyperemesis Gravidarum is all day all night and goes for much longer. It’s not just nausea, it’s dehydration from the nausea which makes you depleted and the mental strain of being basically on bed rest till it eases. When you have a toddler and a business to run and a household to look after it all becomes very over whelming and life seems daunting.
They don’t really know what causes it but they say it is how your body reacts to the pregnancy hormones. My bodies reaction was not even being able to keep water down without throwing up which meant I spent a lot of time in the hospital or emergency room on a IV fluid drip and pumped with medicine to keep me and the baby alive. I lost about 9kgs which may not seem like a lot but it is for someone petite with a low body fat percentage. I was still vomiting after 24 hours of being on a drip and constantly medicated but once you’re hydrated the hospital will send you home and tell you to come back once you’re dehydrated again because there isn’t anything else they can do.It was horrible.
I was fortunate enough to have my sister watch my son while my husband was at work and my mum was able to take me to the hospital or cook for me and my family when need be but ultimately everyone has their own life.
I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t eat and when I did eat I would have so much anxiety as I knew it was going to come up. Everything I loved ( food , fashion , fitness , cooking , eating , music , socialising, art and being creative etc ) became everything I couldn’t do and I felt had been taken away from me. My sense of smell was so heightened which would make me more nauseas , I couldn’t move without feeling nauseas or look at my phone, I was so sensitive my clothes touching me would irritate me, I couldn’t drink water without throwing up. I couldn’t look after my son and felt immense guilt from this. I didn’t want to give or receive any sort of affection. I was constantly so worried if my baby was going to be ok as it was surviving on basically nothing and I cried pretty much every day for 5 months. You feel irritable, useless, snappy and alone. I couldn’t see the good in anything. You feel helpless and depressed. Really depressed. Most women with Hyperemesis Gravidarum will experience pre-natal depression which doesn’t really get spoken about as much as post natal depression. Most days I said to my husband “ I can’t do this anymore “ and had awful thoughts I don’t even want to repeat. I have a constant excess of saliva caused by the hormones making it really embarrassing to go anywhere once I started feeling semi normal as well as other pregnancy symptoms. Some women have a bump and feel great and some women experience it all.
After about week 25 of my pregnancy things started seeming more manageable. I was keeping meals down and had stopped the medication so I wasn’t doped out all the time ( side affects of the tablets ). This meant I could drive myself to appointments and didn’t need to rely on people as much.
At 7 months I’m still nauseous, uncomfortable with a huge belly and have crazy back pain but at least I’m not vomiting every day. I wouldn’t say I love the way I look pregnant. I’m not glowing, my skin and hair are dull and I didn’t get lush locks like I did with Romeo. The weight gain to me is a blessing after being so sick and I am not worried about my body post-birth as I know with breastfeeding, a healthy diet and exercise I will get back to what I was. I am in absolutely NO RUSH to get back to the gym or my pre-baby weight. I figure I have my whole life for that.
Some days are a struggle but my baby is healthy and that’s the most important thing right now and what I am choosing to focus on.
I’m not going to get too scientific about the medications I had no choice but to take as it’s not my expertise and I also don’t want to re-live it all to that extent but basically if you know anyone who is experiencing HG then the best thing you can do is help out even if it’s for a few hours. No one really understands unless they have experienced it. Some people will brush it off as normal nausea or think you’re over reacting but it’s really so much more then that.
If you know someone suffering with it and are able to help here are some things I can suggest ; take their child for a few hours, cook a meal for their husband or them , do the laundry or even just send a simple message asking if they are ok and you’re there for them. It gets really lonely when your life is on a standstill. And I was so grateful for those random messages from people checking in to see how I was going.
In terms of my mental state this past year I was in a dark place especially when HG was at its fullest. I became envious of everyone else living their life unaware of people experiencing sickness or pain. And also resentful of how superficial society and social media is. Where the basis of most apps is basically focused on appearance and an edited version of people’s life. It’s hard to see how superficial we have become when you haven’t removed yourself from it for a while or you have good health and live a normal life but when you’e sick, it makes you realise health is SO important and all that other stuff we get caught up in is not so much.
I’ve always posted about positivity and put in an effort to help strangers as much as I can. Shining a light and brightening someone’s day feels great to me but I couldn’t offer or practice what I had been preaching or believe in.
This time, I was the one that needed help so I took off my Instagram till I felt like myself again and could be that person which I now feel ready to go back too.
Besides all the temporary health issues, this year has been really full on and disappointing on so many levels but I believe the universe works in mysterious ways sometimes giving us what we want indirectly so I am now just letting go of anger, hurt and disappointment and rolling with it.
What I’ve learnt through all of this is there’s really no one that can get you out of a dark place but yourself. It helps to have people to talk too but you’re ultimately in control to flick the switch and decide you don’t want to feel constant sadness etc.
That’s enough from me :)
Thanks for taking time out if your day to read this. Sending you all love and light.
Xx